Grace, Grace, Grace - An Extract from Ben's Journal

On 11th October I had my first ugly cry since arriving. 

I'd been warned that it was going to happen at some point, but I'd naively thought that I was doing pretty good and had no need for feeling sad emotions! We've been doing well since moving, I've loved so much about being here, nothing tragic has happened and we've settled in quite comfortably. Yes there have been a few frustrations, but they've just meant that we've had time to rest and learn the new culture.

Or so I thought.

But I hadn't acknowledged that I'd been internalising a lot of these frustrations, causing me to think of myself as a failure and to get annoyed at the culture. And I'd been feeling guilty about both. I hadn't acknowledged that it's actually been a bit hard. And that's okay! I was also stopping myself from grieving and accepting the pain of leaving, which is a part of the process of moving.

Below is an extract from a bit I wrote in my journal on the 10th as I was starting to process what I'd subconsciously been feeling. 

10/10/19

I've been feeling quite down on myself and what I do recently. I've been looking too much for affirmation from what I'm doing - my productivity - and not been looking to God. I've felt like I'm unprepared and not equipped or "ready" for lots here, but at the same time I want to be doing more and being more revolutionary or something…which is totally unrealistic and not even what we came here for. I could go on, failing Bekah, frustrated, lazy…but basically, I'm just failing.

Partly it's pride, and something I need to ask forgiveness for. Partly I'm focusing on my own efficiency/productivity too much and not on God's timing, or appreciating that the process is more important than the product. Process, not product!

But mainly, I've not been looking to my Father. I need him to show me the truth about myself and what I'm doing/should do. It's Him who brought us here after all, so it's Him who will guide us now. I think maybe I've been doubting God and His calling/timing without realising. Which has lead to me doubting myself and getting easily frustrated.

But I follow God. Jesus is my good shepherd. I just need to look up, rather than spending the whole time looking at my own feet.

I was encouraged this morning by the passage at the end of [the gospel of] John where Jesus tells Peter to stop being so concerned with others and comparing himself to them, and says "You follow me."

This jumped out the page to me and I think it could be my mantra for the remainder of this year (or life!). "You follow me."

Stop looking elsewhere for affirmation or confirmation that what you're doing is "right"; stop going through the cycle of doing things in your own strength, feeling pride, then feeling weak, tired and like a failure; stop being so closed; stop seeking satisfaction and only finding discontentment.

You follow me now.

Your path is guided by me, where I have already prepared the way, trust in me;  let my Spirit fill you, strengthen you and show you love; I bore the cross for you and have lifted your burdens, let them fall off your back as you gaze on me; open up to me, I know you already, and I love you already; let others in, I gave them to you to lift you up, as I also gave you to them to love them, as I first gave myself for you all;  you can be content in me in all circumstances.

Thank you Jesus.

It was as I was reading Serving Well by Jonathan and Elizabeth Trotter (already mentioned on blog - highly recommended) the next day that I realised  again how much I had been internalising the hardships and the pain of loss. And then I read this short sentence:

"Grace, grace, grace."

That's when things got ugly. But also beautiful. I broke down in tears sat on our sofa. Bekah came in and hugged me as I let it all out.

It was the release of pain I hadn't been allowing myself to feel. That it's okay for things to be hard. It's okay to be finding things more tiring here than in the UK. It's ok that going out can be exhausting when getting called at or hassled. It's ok to only get one thing done in a day. It's okay to struggle with language and culture barriers I don't always understand. It's okay to feel the pain of loss and grieve not seeing old friends.

I really felt that last one. I miss people at home a lot. And also mixed in with that is missing some home comforts - pesto, pesto, wherefore art though, pesto?? Not in Blantyre market that's for sure. Maybe not the biggest loss, but the realisation emphasised the distance from home.

After the cry, Bekah and I chatted and I felt so good. That evening we actually went on our first date night out since arriving and it was so good! Went to a diner which is kind of a cross between Frankie and Benny's and a Spoons. The burger was so good we nearly cried! My heart felt full.

We really love being here, we find joy every day. Getting to know people is an absolute privilege and we feel like we're beginning to be a part of the scene, rather than simply visitors. The scenery is so beautiful we're constantly having to refrain from taking photos like tourists! We're learning so much about how to serve Jesus and follow Him. But there's also some hard bits, and that's okay.

A last note - of the soppy kind. Bekah and I celebrated our four year anniversary yesterday (I say celebrated, we were fasting and we barely saw each other, due to me teaching and Bekah being at women's ministry, but today's our sabbath so are enjoying that!). In the past weeks especially, I have really loved our friendship!! She is so great and really is my best friend. We've been able to spend way more time together and there's nothing quite like sharing life with her, with all the laughter and the crying.

Even if she does consistently win at South African Monopoly…although I won today! 6-4 to Bekah in the current standings.